Last Friday night, shortly after 10pm, I sat in my un-started, dark car, looking at my 12-year-old son in the back seat. The light from an overhead street lamp helped me to see that he wasn’t looking back at me. He was staring out the side window in an effort to hide the tears that were slowly falling down his cheeks.
15 minutes earlier, his competitive baseball team had lost BAD to a group of kids who clearly were the offspring of the St. Louis Cardinals. They had really white pants, and more professional looking jerseys, and they could do that thing where they’d tag our guy out at first base AND THEN get our other guy out at third….all in 3 seconds flat. They were wayyyyy too badass for preteen boys. It wasn’t right.
When the annihilation was finally complete, Aiden walked right past me and headed to the car without saying a word. I was a little pissed, stumbling 25 feet behind him with the rest of my pretzel shoved under one armpit, and both hands full of bleacher chairs and bug spray and sweatshirts.
I loaded up the back, slid into the driver’s seat, and turned around to lecture him about how I’d driven 50 miles for this, and he better watch his attitude and stop ignoring me, etc. And that’s when I saw the tears. And felt the silence. I asked him to tell me what was going on, and after 42 “Nothing-I’m-fine’s” he began to vomit out the most impressive slew of self-pity statements. He told me about what a horrible player he was, and how he would never get any better. He listed each of his mistakes in detail, and then turned on his teammates and pointed out their mistakes as well. Also, the Ump was clearly making bad calls. And the sun was in his eyes. And someone honked their horn two streets over when he was swinging his bat.
It was a very dramatic and carefully crafted tantrum. And when it was over, I watched him settle into a genuine sadness. We drove home in silence; him with his head back on the seat, and his eyes closed. Me white-knuckling it at 10 and 2, silently going to war with myself over exactly when this shittiness had developed in my child. Several hours later, still pining over it under the covers in my pitch-black bedroom, it dawned on me that I had never taught my son how to be a loser.
As a whole, the culture of parenting is almost exclusively aimed at driving our children towards success. Bookstores are full of material directed at improving a child’s performance in all number of categories. Step into a school building, or on to an athletic field and you’ll find the same.
We want our kids to win. And we dedicate an enormous amount of time teaching them exactly how to do it. Look at my Aiden. Up there at the top. He looks good, right? He’s a fantastic winner. He’s extremely athletic, and he’s pro status at receiving compliments, and high-fiving, and tacking “A” papers to our corkboard in the hallway. But what I realized on a dark night in the car with my son, is that so many of us have held winning in such high esteem, that we’ve completely cheated our kids out of the education of losing. Losing WELL.
Do our kids know how to utilize a failure or loss to gain wisdom? To gain strength? To gain perspective?
Can they lose and not feel like a loser? (This is big.)
Can they fail and not feel like a failure? (This is also big.)
If our answer to these questions is “No”, then we have some serious work to do, my friends. Because the experiences of loss and failure provide far more opportunities for growth, wisdom and strength than an 18-year-old who steps out into the world armed with nothing but a bedroom full of trophies.
And here’s the other kicker that most of us adults already know…..
Nobody becomes successful in life without experiencing loss and failure in some capacity. I don’t care who you are. You failed and lost for a little bit before you got hot and rich. In fact, loss and failure are often the only doors to success. And if we can’t teach our children how to expertly navigate the bad, they won’t have the strength to achieve the good.
Period.
We need our kids to be losers sometimes. It’s vastly important. Character and grit and resilience are only born inside of these experiences. They are NOT born in championship wins, or letters of acceptance, or natural giftedness.
So what does it look like to raise awesome losers? How in the actual world do we do this?
Clearly, I don’t know. I mean, my kid is the one in the backseat being an ass.
But here’s where I started with him the next morning…..
I said “Let’s do something together over the next few months. Whenever we watch any sporting event….whether we’re watching professional sports, or even just watching your brother’s games up at the school…..lets immediately look to the losing team after the game. Everyone else will be paying attention to the winners. But me and you? Let’s look for the losers. Some of them will suck. But if we look hard enough, we’ll find some fantastic ones. Let’s pick out the ones who know how to lose really well. The one’s who still hold their heads up high. The ones who encourage their teammates. Let’s see if any of them actually come over to the winning team and congratulate them. Which ones will still be able to smile, even after they lost? Those people will be our MVL’s. Most Valuable Losers.”
He processed it for a few seconds, and then he actually said the words “You’re on crack cocaine.”
And I said “I know honey. But that’s not the point right now.”
Several nights later he was tooling around with his friends behind the bleachers when my younger son’s team won their game. We didn’t sit together, and my vision of us creepily staring down the losing team didn’t happen the way I’d planned. But on the drive home he randomly turned to me and said, “Number 27.”
“What do you mean?” I said. “What are you talking about?”
“Number 27. From that losing team tonight. He was laughing with his friends in the dugout after the game. And I saw him walk up to one of our guys at the concession stand and tell them they had a good hit. So that’s why I picked 27.”
I smiled at him. But it was too big of a smile, and it maybe lasted a little too long,…and he rolled his eyes at me.
There’s a lot more work to do, but that’s how we’ve started this thing. Looking for the losers.
There are some really great parents out there who are raising awesome winners. Hard-working. Humble. Kind. And this should be celebrated. Make no mistake.
But we need to honor the phenomenal parents who are raising amazing losers. We need to become the parents who are raising 27’s. Because this world needs 27’s so much more than it needs winners pumping their fists in the air.
Who’s with me on this one?
I love you guys.
Laurie
P.S. This morning I dropped the kids off at school, and as they were starting to walk into the building, I rolled the window down and screamed out “Have a great day guys! Go be the LOSERS I know you can be!”
You should’ve seen the looks.
Beautiful! I wish more parents would encourage their child in this way. I don’t know how many parents I’ve had during parent/teacher conferences that don’t know how to help their child find the good in making a mistake and honestly, they don’t know how to accept it themselves. I will keep this in mind as I raise my son.
Laurie, this is one of the many reasons I love you!! This was beautifully written!! You are truly gifted!! This is such an important lesson that we all need to learn. Thank you for sharing your insight and helping us learn how we can teach our children to be GOOD LOOSERS❤️
A friend shared your post on her Facebook and it lead me here! We have “encouraged” my son to succeed in baseball and that has always been the focus and until I read this I never thought about teaching him how to lose where he does not feel like a failure. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I also read your past posts and loved them especially Parts 1 through 4. I love your writing style and hope you continue your writing.
Good losers are winners. And sometimes they honon to win!
Loved this
A good coach will teach kids to b both an if they lose …what did u learn from our mistakes…how do u feel about our efforts..coaching ,parenting..isnt Just being winners it’s about dealing w life
This is fabulous!!! I’m making my son read it!!
Great read. In our world today we don’t take time to see both sides, as you showed we can be better than we know if we take the time to search for what’s truly important to us and become the individuals we hope to be. Your words brought tears to my eyes, though I cry at stop signs and commercials, you touched my heart with your words and they brought a sense of me wanting to do better with my teenage son. Thanks for sharing your words of wisdom and also the humor. Loved the last line! We can also use more of that in our lives!
I’m agreeing to that.everyone loves a winner but we need to teach kid’s we love them when they lose tooo. otherwise they won’t be ready
the real world life
Well said. More parents need to read this.
Awesome point and great parenting in a positive way!!!!thanks Mom
Great idea, and you are right you DON’T win them all. Life throws so much at all of us, we need to learnboth sides. Well done to you, your son, and #27.
Very good. Thanks for that. Keep writing.
Love this!! I can’t even begin to put into words how so very on point this is. My daughter loves long distance running! She had to give it up due to bad knees. My son Hates sports w a passion, however is involved in all areas of the arts. Daughter quiet and reserved son loud Mr know it all. But, both great kids! I ask myself daily how did I and my husband raise these two to be so good. We have no clue!! It doesn’t even matter if you’re a loser. It matters if your kids are happy. That’s it….whatever it is that makes them happy! We as parents need to be sure to express their good, not so good and let them know how much they are loved.
So true! Be a gracious loser, cuz there is only 2 kinds! Winners an losers!
Same goes with the fans of ball clubs. They are all over the team and whose fault it was. Disgusting.
Thank you for writing this – It is very true, we focus on winning so much we forget what losing can teach us.
So thank you for your insight!
I very much appreciate it!
Very good article! I’ve felt for a long time that we’re doing our children an injustice by never having to try-out to be on a team, even as old as junior high, by winning a ribbon or small trophy just for participating, if you want to be a cheerleader in junior high, you can get a cheerleader – even if they have fifty 7th grade cheerleaders ( I’ve witnessed this!), just to mention a few injustices. Just like the article mentions, children need to learn how to compete for a position, how to be a graceful loser, learn to work for things and experience the feeling of success as a result of effort! That’s why some of the younger generation expect top pay for entry-level positions, don’t know how to accept losing their home when they bought “over their heads” because they don’t know how to start low and work up to it – so many have had everything handed to them on a silver platter and real life is such a shock to them!!
The best post I have read on a long time! Many years ago I was.a single Mom with two boys 11 months apart playing on the same Little League baseball team. I had one, the elder of he two, who wouldn’t talk to anyone for days after a loss and the other who was sad but rolled with it.
Those boys are well into middle age now. The older one never had it easy. He was the one who always had to learn by his mistakes. He didn’t have many friends along the way and has been married 3 times. The younger one married his HS sweetheart and they are very happy 28 yrs. later. They have tons of friends.
I thought I raised them the sam e but I see how their dispositions at an early age helped them through life.
Thanks so much for writing this. I sure can picture myself in that driver’s seat. Jayme
I teach them that you must fail in order to succeed! I teach them about failures that happen in my day. I teach that you fail UNTIL…..you succeed. I teach all of my students about failure if I do not teach that…I fail them. I did not learn this way of teaching until my children had children….I failed to see that it was most important. Empower and uplift all…even those as they lose.
This is so good!!!! My night last night was exactly like what you described happened to you. A beating of a game with a crappy attitude child in the car blaming, saying he sucks, getting mad about how their coach reacted. I’m going to do something similar to this. Thanks for the inspiration.
Best thing I’ve read for a long while – and I read a lot!! This is something that has concerned me since my 40-year-old athletic son was a “tween” and younger. He’s now raising and coaching his own 3 young athletes, and they all need to read this even though he and their mother do a great job of teaching them what is most important. So well said!!
I just loved this and plan to do the same with my kids. Thank you for sharing such an awesome teachable moment with the rest of us trying to figure out how to raise respectable humans!
Coping skills!! The world around us is exploding because everyone’s been taught they’re awesome — winners even when they’re losers. Participation trophy, anyone? Then, when dealt a real loss — a breakup, didn’t get the college/job/promotion they applied for, etc. they have no way to deal with the disappointment.
Stop clearing the path for your kids, lawnmower parents. Let them lose. Let them fail. Kids always “earn” their As, but their teachers “give” them Fs. I promise the kid earned the F. Use it as a lesson…what did you do wrong. Did you not apply yourself? Did you not prioritize learning? Did you not understand? If you didn’t understand, did you ask for help or clarification?
3% of high school athletes play Varsity sports in college. 1% of college players go pro. Then, how many pro careers are sidelined before they even get off the ground because of injuries?
Have a back-up plan in life. Learn to deal with disappointment by planning for contingencies. Coping skills!
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
It wasn’t baseball that brought the tears to our sons eyes, it was soccer. And I remember that blank feeling that I felt on wondering what we could do that would help him… I like your approach and if I get the chance I will use it on my grandchildren.
Thank-you for sharing your story!! So true & we’ve all been there with our young players. I’m going to try watching for #27 with my son, who also plays baseball:)
You are well intended but have no idea how to deal with this . lt is obvious that your son has been allowed to make excuses most of his life. Nothing wrong with losing however winning is more fun and sometimes your very best is not good enough. You need a long conversation with someone who understands athletics and the effect it has on kids…first rule , no excuses and please never again say to your son ” go be a good loser “…..teach him how to handle losing…you shake your oppoents hand as you look them in their eyes and say , today you were better than us , see you soon best of luck or .man you have a great team…..hope your catching on…the only losers are the ones that are allowed to make excuses and blame others and will cause them to become jealous and view themselves as victims. Pleae drop the ” go and be a good loser ” …..there is so much more to this but please rethink this one.
Good thoughts. I always said each mistake is an education to help us improve. I told my students to have fun, make mistakes and learn from them. There is nothing worse than sending a child into the world letting them believe they are required to be perfect.
Learning comes from losing. Winning satisfies egos. As a coach for nearly 57 years, I always teach that you have to learn to lose before you can ever learn to win. 80% of what affects us in life is of the negative nature. Problems never disappear. Becoming a “problem solver” is the key to success in life. The neatest people you will ever meet are the ones that have been knocked down a thousand times, but learned to get back up, smile about it and keep moving forward. Going “undefeated” is not a great thing. You have to learn to lose and bounce back from that loss. Many a team and athlete went undefeated during the season, lost one round of the playoffs and then could not find a way to win again. A good coach can change a game. A great coach can change a life. It’s not about winning and losing, but rather winning graciously/losing with dignity.
Awesome!
Thank you for this read! As a wife of a lifelong baseball player that had these meltdowns when he was a kid and also as a new mom to a future baseball player, golfer, swimmer, soccer player, etc., this is what I want to teach him, especially since, someone will always win, but someone will certainly always lose too!
I feel that some of this started when it was determined that everyone was a winner, everyone received a participation trophy. In life not everyone wins and we need to teach that! I am in HR and we only have one job opening, so only one person gets the job! So to the ones that did not, go do something that makes you stand out. Instead these people go directly to blame because they have been told they are always winners. It creates a society problem. Very nice article!
This is great!! Retired now & my children are in their 40s. I was a teacher of young children: kg, 1st or primary sp ed. Kids would get upset over mistakes. I told them if they didn’t make some mistakes, they weren’t learning, just practicing what they already knew and I wasn’t doing my job!
I LOVED this piece! I teach 1st to 5th graders who struggle with reading skills. The biggest obstacle for most of them has nothing to do with the printed word. The biggest obstacle is a fear of failure. If we can get past that, the reading part is easy. Thank you!
We are spending lots of time and money on psychologists, who need our support and appreciation, to help with negative self talk and perfectionism. Your story suggests a way to handle accepting ups and downs with positivity and a realistic view. Why not start as early as possible to help kids value honest effort and learning from mistakes. Love this!
What you have written is so true. Most of us are average. We win a few and loose a few. We get a few A’s, some B’s and C’s and the dredded D or F occasionally. Hopefully not many.
It’s inevitable that in life we will have bumps and heart breaks.
There is a poem by I think Rudyard Kipling titled “IF” that we had to memorize back in the 4th or 5th grade. I sums up a good balance in life experiences. Google it. I have referenced it many times in life. I’m 76 so have lived through many ups and downs. And you are right, it’s the loosing that gives us character, makes us grow, gives us empathy for others, and keeps our heads on straight.
My name is Jane too and I have a 12 year old son named Aidan who just lost big in a baseball playoff .. THIS .. like seriously I have no idea how this popped up on my fb but I’m so glad it did .. I needed this so much and our sons sound separated at birth !
So terrific! As a mom of five kids I can say it starts with not “letting” your child “win” at every twist and turn. Once they know how to legitimately beat you at tic tac toe then there is no reason to let them win during any family game and that includes tag football. I often tell my husband in front of our kids that dad is a bad loser but he is a worse winner. So teach humility: what that does and doesn’t look like.
That was excellent.
Winning helps you to puff up your ego as if you were God’s gift to the world. Losing hurts, for sure. So does injustice, and betrayal. When the tears have dried, and a person is more reasonable, ask the child WHAT DID YOU LEARN FROM THIS? Guide them with questions. Help them grow from the experience and become better, deeper and more sensitive people, for there is tremendous growth potential in losing. There is that poem by Rudyard Kipling, named IF. And he said ” If you can deal with triumph and disaster, and treat those two impostors just the same…(And he ends) then you will be a man, my son.” Great poem.
Wonderful read. I love when someone takes life and writes it down. You won on this one.
Great article! Love your humor.
Awesome as a mom of 3 boys I love this all who play baseball ❤️
I will never forget losing an election in 8th grade, and, at the time, it was the most important thing in the world to me. I was devastated. My very wise father consoled me for a few minutes, and as my complaint got louder and louder, he gave me some very calm but serious advice. “Unless you learn how to be a gracious loser, you are not ready to be a winner.” He proceeded to tell me it took a lot of character to lose with grace and that is something he desired to see in me more than a million trophies on the shelf! That was 54 years ago, and I have never forgotten. He was so right.
You’re spot on. Learning from losses creates character. Not the easiest thing to teach to anyone. Your son listening to you is fantastic! It should have made you feel good when he listened when it wasn’t what he wanted to do. Some of losing is how to learn about life. Thanks for your pearls of wisdom for all parents and grandparents.
😍YES!! And the ending made me really laugh out loud tonight HA! I have a four year old. We build his confidence best we can and starting to notice … he does not handle losing well. So we play “go fish” often to talk about this.
I absolutely loved your writing thank you!!!!
I would love LOVE to post this. I fear these small town Moms will hate me for it
Well said!!
Beautifully said. Both my boys have had a tough time losing at ANYTHING, so we have had lots of conversations about how to be a good loser. Thank you for this great idea of looking at the losing team. Keep up your writing!
This is why i love to coach baseball/softball so much. In baseball if you want to be one of the best hitters in the league you need to fail 7 out if 10 times. “Just think about that” I tell my players.
Laurie, my son is now 27 years old but we had many similar conversations when he was 12 and playing baseball. He went years playing for a team that didn’t lose. This caused me great concern and sparked many conversations about how easy it is to be the winner but true character is shown in the losses. I loved your story, and your message is right on!
Laurie, Where oh where were you when I was raising my kids. You are wise beyond your years.
I loved this. As a sports mom, my boys and I talk a lot about losing with grace. I always remind them that tomorrow the world will still be turning, and there will still be friends to play with a games to play. We compliment the other team as needed, and even when we are frustrated we talk about what we can take away from the game. Sometimes, it is how to make smarter plays, and sometimes it is how to not get cocky when we are winning, so that we blow the lead. The thing I have started to pay attention to,is the coaches who lose well. The coaches who help kids find the lesson in the day. Not because I expect them to do my job for me, but because they are the people I want my kids to notice. They are reinforcing my lessons, helping my kid see that sometimes their annoying mom is on the right track. We all know that when mom says something, it is does not always have the same impact as when an influencer from the outside says it.
My sons travel baseball coach posted this article early in the day yesterday and I read it and realized how true it was. I printed it for my 12 year old son to read. Later in the day we had a game for our rec team and we had our first loss of the season. I watched my son slam his helmet and bat, I watched another boy cry and his parents get upset. We got in our car and I handed my son this article to read. My son was like you are making me read this cause we lost. “Funny I had no idea when I left work with the article in my hand that you would lose tonight, however I thought win or lose you should read this” He read this on our drive home and didn’t say much and I didn’t ask him anything. When he kissed me goodnight he said I am not always a great loser but I am going to work on that. Thank you for your article, it touched me and my son.
One of the first things I learned in playing little league baseball was…you win or you lose. In those days, it was that simple. Everyone did not get a trophy or ribbon just for showing. The first and everytime you won, you were elated. The first and everytime you lost, you felt a sickening sensation in your stomach and you did not like it. That is sports and life, too. The way you overcome it is simply to tell him/her to practice harder and remember there is no i in team. In baseball, it takes 9 to win or lose. The harder you practice the basics, the better you get. Work with your children. Do not say it was “all right” to lose. No one likes to lose.
A truly remarkable lesson for all of us…….Thank you for taking the time
to be a great teacher for all of us
This was really well written. And either my allergies we’re acting up or I might have teared up a bit…oh I forgot my Claratin today.
Anyhow thank for this piece.
Every parent and/or coach should learn this for their kids.
The second year my daughter played softball, their record was 1 win 10 losses.
The coaches never belittled a single kid or a kid that happened to be their opponent; although a few parents had to be dealt with.
The league champs had 7 players sign up to play the following year, after playing for a real harda** coach.
All 14 of our girls played the next year and some, now in their 40s are still playing.
They learned how to lose and move on to the next challenge.
Thank you for this story.
I enjoyed this, but I have to add that it’s more about how you play the game. Winning and
losing is out of your control sometimes. If your kid played the game right, with respect, integrity and good sportsmanship that’s what counts. What if his team won, but his teammates were brats and were disrespectful to the other team’s players? That might be a win, but with losers. What if he busted his ass down the line every play, backed up his infield every play and went 3-4 at the plate? I feel you are putting too much emphasis on the scoreboard. It should be on their own effort, how they contributed to the team and did they play the game the right way. Baseball is not a win or lose game, it’s a sport filled with hundreds of events (plays) and
most of them you have absolutely no control of (like exactly where a batted ball will go). So, you shouldn’t have to teach your kid how to lose or be a loser, maybe you should teach them how to honor the game and their own effort. Teach them to appreciate their health, the friends they have and you being there.
I must say i take pleasure in the guide.Very much thanks
again. Would like significantly more.
Well said mama!
Spot on !! Life isn’t always about winning because in reality we don’t, great writing here. We need to teach our kids, grand kids all about losing & with that kindness,compassion, acceptance etc…. all falls into play which in turn will for sure teach our kinds not only on ballfields, or soccer fields ,or dance etc…but in the classrooms, at church, at college & in the working world how to handle all this things in life 🙌 Winning is awesome & we do like to win & make these accomplishments but if you want a child to be able to make it in this world today they need to know about being on the losing end & how its not the end of the world & teach that child we don’t love them any-less & as a matter of fact we admire them more for the extra effort & hard work, there is a fine balance there but it must be instilled in our kids, grand kids to-be able to get through with other adventures in life …. after all we do know life is not a bowl of cherries & teaching kids to be kind, compassionate, helpful, well rounded will take them, make them, mold them into a fine adult that will hopefully help them years from now 🙌🙏🏻😊
Always tell your child how much you enjoyed watching him play. Ask them one thing they would like to do again and one thing they don’t want to do again.
Do this a little later…not the minute you get in the car on the ride home. This helps them see that win or lose, there is always good and bad.
I will never forget when my daughter was 6 years old and played her first basketball game. Her team lost… not even a close game. When the buzzer went off at the end of the game, her amazing coach huddled up those 8 little girls with little frowns, and with a huge smile, eyes lit up and so much enthusiasm in his voice shouted out, “That was SO much fun watching all of you play and doing all the things we worked on in practice!” Those 8 little frowns quickly turned into proud smiles and was the beginning of learning the old… “it’s not about if you win or lose, but how you play the game”. He took them to the other team to go do their high fives and “good game” with smiles and excitement in their voice. He was their first impression that losing is not a bad thing and for that, I thank him immensely!
Great article! Thank you!
You’re a good mom to recognize that failure is part of life for even the most gifted. Success is never a straight shot up. Kids who learn the upside of failure become resilient and stable adults. Bravo Laurie!! May we all learn to travel with a supply of bandaids for the inevitable falls of life.
That was a phenomenal idea! You’re rocking this parent gig.
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Loved this message! It reminds me of several years ago when my youngest was struggling with not being a perfect pitcher. (as if that exists) We were watching the Little League World Series and a kid smashed one out of the park. The pitcher grinned and shook his head as if to say wow that was an amazing hit. I rewound and we rewatched the pitcher several times. I pointed out he’s on tv in what is likely the biggest game of his life so far and he’s smiling. That wasn’t a reflection of his skills it was nod to the batter’s skills. This was a real turning point for my son and helping him to get some
perspective.
We all should watch on YouTube “A Medal for Opie” on The Andy Griffith Show. Andy taught Opie this lesson in 1962.
True then, true today. 😊
Even President Trump with all his wealth failed at times. If you can learn from past failures you’re ahead of the game. It’s easy to be happy when you’re winning but a real winner gets back up and goes forward knowing there will be another valley, but you’re still a winner.
When my son’s little league team won the regional championship (and later went on to win state), before his coach celebrated with the boys on the middle of the baseball field, he walked over to the dugout of the losing team. He told those young, impressionable boys that they had nothing to be sad about….he told them that they played and amazing game….and that they came in second and that was a huge accomplishment….he reminded them that they needed to keep their heads high. I will never forget his act of compassionate. He used that teachable moment to teach those young boys how to be proud despite losing. (And then he joined his boys in the middle of the field!)
What an awesome post! Thank you.
hey there, i have been a great loser all my life . having never been a winner it was easy. the sun still rose the next morning, if it was going to, and i learned to enjoy the rain pouring down on my parade as i never knew it any other way coming from the pacific northwest . then one day i did win and unlike constant winners , i found it almost giddy. i won . somehow the gods had erred and i won. literally 50 or 60 people playing and there i stood holding the great pumpkin . sadly, i was now looking into the faces of those that had fought a good fight through dumpsters and down allies but i had been the first to look in that burn barrel . we were all soaked that night about 40 years ago but maybe i am the only one to remember . i won that one time and still have some of the $500 grand prizes bestowed on me for a chance look inside that barrel i almost turned back from . i could see footprints stomping through the long grass already leading up to it . being a loser how was i to know winning was that easy . just try even if you don’t think you can . the sun is so much brighter when you don’t see it every day . winning is so much more when you don’t do it all the time too.
I have been trying to teach my son to be both a good loser and a good winner! The good winner came very naturally to him. He has a lot of empathy and I have seen him seek out the losing team goalie (my son is a hockey goalie) to say good game, shake it off and I have been there, you did great! BUT the good loser still alludes me! He is finally starting to realize he cannot win them all, but still shuts down after a loss. Now we are trying to take the focus off the loss and nudge him to be the leader. And the leader sets the tone. Fingers-crossed, LOL, thank you for your article, very insightful!
Very touching and the real deal.
My grandson was on the worst baseball team in his league but after every game he had a smile on his face & couldn’t wait for the next game. He would tell me “Grandma, it’s ok that we lost 27-0, I just like being with with my friends, and getting a little better each game. I just love his kind, sweet attitude. I do complement him for his attitude & tell him to spread it whenever he can.
I haven’t read any other comments but I believe you have to experience one, whether winning or losing, to appreciate the other. It’s the nature of things. When I played club basketball as a youth, we won a lot. We were well coached to be sure, and we had sufficient talent but the coaching really put us over the top! Oh, we lost a couple games over the years…..yeah, we we’re THAT good, well coached, that is! But losing? We hardly ever experienced that and didn’t like the taste of it either, BUT it did make us realize how “sweet” winning really was. So we practiced harder to be better and it paid off. We won several inner city club ball leagues. It was good for us to understand winning and losing! We didn’t like the taste of losing so we worked extra hard to win. That transferred itself to our lives after sports! I’m grateful to a wonderful coach, Herb Yasuhara, because he taught us about life by teaching us about basketball.
I read this a million times and cried every single time!! It’s so seemingly simple yet so difficult to do. We , too, have spent an exhaustive amount of time building our children to be winners but that’s easy! It’s hard to find the lessons and build resilience outside of these humbling experiences. Thank you for the reminder!!
#raising27s #challengeaccepted #fortheloveofthegame
I just found this post and your blog by way of Amy Carney, a dear friend. I am SO GLAD I am on your space here online.
I’m a fresh mama to three, 3-years-old and under, and THIS IS GOLD. I’m saving it. Tucking it. Holding tight to it.
Thank you for sharing this story so, so well.
Wining feels good; losing feels bad. But without sportsmanship both are a failure; with sportsmanship both can be a success.
“You’re on crack cocaine” 😂 I loved this article. Learning to lose with your head held high is so important!!
One of the BEST things I’ve ever read. My son’s name is Aidan, he plays baseball and this really hit home (no pun intended). I’ve had oh too many of those dark car rides home. THANK YOU for this!
Nicely written, thank you for sharing.
Yes! I loved this and agree that we are making mistakes when all we teach and reward are the winners. I will try her strategy on my grandchildren!, I am inspired.
Laurie,
Great article. We raised four children who all played college athletics. Playing at such a high level you can imagine how competitive they were, and still are. When they were young we taught them to strive to win, but to lose with grace and to find something positive in each experience, to learn from the losses. We are now watching our grandkids play games and remind our children to keep this all in perspective. Winning is important but knowing how to lose is also important.
Great share! I agree. Your initiative is a great one. I hope I continue to teach my girls to grow up to be great losers too. The oldest teen hasn’t been devastated yet. No big loss for the straight A student. I just hope she doesn’t have a complete mental break when she does. The youngest teen has seen a lot of failures but she’s learning from those failures and has climbed to the A stack this year at school. Parents are not alone in this. Thanks for sharing.
I completely needed this today. I love my #1 (12 yo son) and my #12 (10 yo son) baseball players.
We can’t all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
Will Rogers
US humorist & showman (1879 – 1935)
Dear Laurie,
Wonderful. I am a college professor and we have published some papers on adolescents cutting weight for judo/taekwando Competitions. I am a nutritionist so it is not about winning or losing it is about health issues in yooung people who are still growing and developing. The point I wanted to make was my graduate student, both a dietitian and a judo coach told me something that I had not thought much about. My childern never did much sports and certainly not competitive sports. What he said is that in every match there is a loser an$ a winner. His athletes look up to him and a big part of mentoring is to teach his team to be gracious, win or lose. No matter what , you bow to each other at the end of the match . The parents are often yelling that the ref was unfair etc. He said parents are a big part of the problem. Anyhow, certainly an important post. Well written and food for parenting thought.
I think kids stopped learning how to lose when we started giving everyone trophies.
And failures are how we learn. You are not challenging yourself if you never fail…you’re taking the easy way.
Truth expressed beautifully. Am going to share and hope others will read and go do likewise…
I absolutely love this article and echo the sentiment. My two oldest girls((9 and 10) play softball. At the end of every game the losing team lines up across from each other, and they clap hands and cheer for the winning team, as they run underneath the clapping hands.
I LOVE THIS!!!!!
Must share as this message has been sadly lost behind the long lines of distributing trophies to teams and kids for simply showing up – the opportunity and lessons were lost behind the false misconception that losing puts an indelible ding in the armour of a child’s developing self esteem-
The walls waiting on the other side of graduation are not to bend in effort to get little Jonny over – nor will those walls morph to resemble a corner office, again unearned at 23 – truthfully its the 27 ‘s that learn – grow and mature into our best leaders ….
save the wasted money on the unearned Trophies 🏆 and teach our children to be gracious, strong 27’s
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Thank you so much for sharing this, and your excellent method of observing good losers! I will try to use this with my kids as well. It is so powerful to stop and think consciously about who we admire and why and then try to emulate those characteristics that we value. So, this trick can work in a lot of areas!
I appreciate this article, I commend the effort but will still make a distinction. IMO, we need to stop trying to wedge every effort into “winning” or “losing”. In sports and in life, there will always be external forces – a better team, a terrible ref, weather conditions, etc. that influence the result. It’s what you do with it that defines you.
For me, winning or losing a match has never been that relevant. I am fortunate to have hard-working, athletic children with a passion for competition. But from the earliest days, I have never allowed them to categorize a result or blame circumstances. Yes, you are going to have terrible refs (they are human), yes, you are going to play on frozen pitch and in driving rain (that’s what the weather does), etc. For me, the analysis is never about how those factors made you (or made you feel) like a winner or loser – rather, it’s the questions that you ask yourself after that defines you.
Could you have done anything more or differently to change the outcome? Could you have worked harder? Encouraged your teammates? Led by example? If the answer is an authentic no, then you did your very best work for the day – go relax! If yes, then you have more work to do to try to influence the outcome and your contribution to the team.
For adults, life is never as simple as winning or losing. There are millions of nuances in between. In life, I think the greatest growth and satisfaction happens when we hit a wall, stand up, dust ourselves off and decide how to be better next time. Maybe that’s what we need to be teaching our kids? Much love – ❤️
This was something that I had interest in reading today. After my eight yr old grandchild’s swimmeet. Her first race was awesome. She freaked on her second one n would not swim it, even though it was the same stroke. She wanted her mom who we had told to hold off coming in the downpour of an outdoor meet. She has a one n three yr old. Mom showed up as well as other relatives n she swam great in her two final races.
Expectations r large for these kids. I applaud your ideas and will definitely use the advice. Enjoyed yr wit also.
Jack Nicklaus has won more major golf tournaments-18- than anyone in history. He has also finished second in major golf tournaments more than anyone in history- 19 times! He won with class, but he lost with even more class. He never complained, never sounded bitter, never made excuses. He basically just said I tried my hardest but the other guy was just better this time. His dad and mom taught him well.
SPOT ON
From a 63-year-old mom and public school teacher. Do this parents. Not everyone should get a trophy. Sometimes you lose. Do it with grace.
Laurie, you’re hilarious and have the right perspective on life. Not too serious, but gonna right the wrongs. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. I’ve learned my most valuable lessons by failing. Fail forward! And with grace
A friend sent your post to me last night when I was grieving for my son whose play at 2nd base failed and caused their Little League team to lose the semifinals. HE was a mess, so I was a mess (on the inside). But reading this was just what I needed and offered a new perspective that is important to keep in mind. Thank you!!
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I couldn’t have enjoyed this post more! Charming and witty, and so relevant to almost every aspect of life! Thank you for sharing! Made my day …. (raising 3 boys) 😊
This year my son didn’t make the travel baseball team he’s been on the last two years. It was DEVASTATING for him! (And me, a little, if I’m totally honest.) But has gone to their games and cheered them on anyway and I have been so proud of him. He’s teaching me how to handle losing. And I’m pretty sure you wrote this just for me to read because…wanna guess what number he is??? I cried. A lot at the end of this. Thank you for writing such a beautifully, funny, and important piece. Cheers to 27s!
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Thank you. My son is one of those kids. He gets upset after every loss. Great work #66, you are a great LOSER. I am very proud of you at every turn. You work hard and are positive at every turn.
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Love it. Very well said. And important to note that this “loserness” translates not just to the sports field, but to the classroom and life in general. Some guy is going to steal your girlfriend, get that job, make more money….and on and on and on. I hope to raise some incredible losers.
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